Burn, Hollywood, Burn

Much like the Red Sox, Hollywood is shitting the bed. Here’s the proof:

- Mel Gibson, Robin Williams, and the dude from that band Keane that I don’t listen to are all in rehab. Apparently, Mel doesn’t like Jews very much, either. Shocker.

- Haley Joel Osment has officially entered Act II in the Life of the Hollywood Child Star. Let’s all hope Act III is more Drew Barrymore than Danny Bonaduce.

- Tom Cruise has been dumped by Paramount Pictures and supposedly has a mutant baby somewhere. I don’t care.

- Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston might be engaged. I cannot fully express how much I don’t care about this. Why do people give a shit about this?

- Kate Hudson realized that even though we’ve never met - and I haven’t seen any of the crappy movies she’s made since “Almost Famous” - that she and I were meant to be together and dumped Chris Robinson. Unlike Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston, this is actually important. It really is best for everyone. Her movies and his music were way better before they met. Rumor has it that Kate and Owen Wilson were messing around. Purely transitional hijinks, I say. Two people that blond can’t mate. I think the universe would implode. Call whenever, Katie Darlin’. It’s our time.

- Speaking of blonds, retarded people everywhere are freaking out that Daniel Craig, the new James Bond, has blond hair. What they should be freaking out about is the fact that unlike every Bond movie since “Goldeneye,” “Casino Royale” looks like it might actually be good. Idiots.

- The new “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie is still making gargantuan amounts of money. I’m pretty sure that it also set a new record for the amount of tentacles featured in a movie. Seriously, I don’t think there’s a single shot in the whole flick without a tentacle in it. Jerry Bruckheimer used to pack his movies full of insanely good-looking people, cool cars, and Kenny Loggins songs. No more. Bruckheimer has entered his Tentacle Period.

- Every woman in America has seen, and loved, “The Devil Wears Prada.” Don’t care. Won’t see it.

- Steven Soderbergh says that “Ocean’s Thirteen” will be the final chapter in the Ocean’s Trilogy. God is crying.

- Bruno Kirby is dead. I am truly kind of bummed about this. He was a good actor.

- “Lady in the Water” tanked (ha ha ha) and there’s a whole book detailing how arrogant and delusional M. Night Shyamalan is.

- Worst of all, “Rocky Balboa” opens in December. Sylvester Stallone writes, directs, and stars in this fucking movie. In the trailer, we learn that a computer simulation estimates that, in his prime, Rocky could beat the current number one boxer. Guess what happens next! The voiceover calls this movie “The Greatest Underdog Story of Our Time.” No, Sly. It is not. The first Rocky movie came out THIRTY GODDAMN YEARS AGO!!! Gerald Ford was president! 8 Track tapes were the hot technology! Hip Hop didn’t exist! Nor did I! THAT IS NOT “OUR TIME!!!” I truly hope that Harrison Ford is watching the outcome of this movie closely. Why? Because for years now, we’ve heard that a new “Indiana Jones” movie might get made. And ya know what? I don’t want it to happen. I don’t want it to happen because I love the “Indiana Jones” movies. They are three of the best damn movies ever made, and I don’t want a big steaming pile of shit movie to ruin my affection for them (Ahem, paging executive producer and co-creator George Lucas!). Harrison Ford is sixty-four years old. Most of his movies lately have been crap, but I feel confident that he, unlike Sly, could make an awesome comeback movie without milking a quarter-century-old franchise. I want my Indy to be kickass and cool – not old, tired and grumpy. And I just want Rocky to be gone.

Hollywood is in the crapper. Here’s how to fix it:

- No sequels for at least 10 years.

- No TV adaptations.

- No more CGI animated comedies about funny animals.

- Six figure salary cap for all actors, directors and producers. You get rich off residuals.

- Sylvester Stallone, Tom Cruise, Kevin Costner, John Travolta, Vin Diesel, and Mel Gibson all need to be shipped off to a private island where they can’t annoy anyone anymore.

- Laws against paparazzi & celebrity magazines. They ruin everything.

- New movie stars. The sooner, the better.

- More tentacles.

- Put me in charge.